There is now so much human excrement on Mount Everest experts predict that by 2015 it will reach the Moon.
But thank heavens the government of Nepal intend to do something about it by announcing they will build a spanking new flushing toilet at Everest Base Camp.
The new lavatory will be state-of-the-art, and include a helipad, modern plumbing, carpets, and a wanking machine for government ministers. Climbers who wish to use it will be fitted with GPS tracking devices to ensure they aim straight, and special weather forecasts will increase safety. Police and Army will be stationed at Base Camp to ensure climbers crap in the right place, and a brass band will serenade occupants to improve harmony between Sherpas and westerners.
“Thousands of people climb Everest every year, and it’s come to our attention many have been defecating up there,” said Ang Shitting Sherpa of the Nepal Manure Association. “From this year onwards we will be introducing a new rule. All climbers will be required to bring down 80kg of human waste from the high camps, or risk losing their deposit.”
It is unclear whether climbers only have to carry 80kg of their own shit, or whether it includes other people’s.
There was a media stampede when the announcement was made at a special press conference on Tuesday. “This is fantastic, a story about Everest and bodily functions,” said Piers McPenis of the Daily Moron. “The public need to know about these things. I was so excited I nearly shat myself.”
The move follows a fatal accident last year, when two climbers who had never worn crampons before drowned in a pool of urine and had to be dragged out by Sherpas. Many people thought this was outrageous.
Meanwhile a special team of Sherpas known as Icefall Doctors are already at Everest Base Camp trying to find a new route through the mountains of human sewage which cause unpleasant smells every year.
Not everyone is convinced the new toilet is a good idea, and some operators believe there is now so much human excrement it is no longer ethical to climb Mount Everest from the south side.
Alec Bollinger of the mountaineering company Alpenstock said:
“The danger from collapsing manure is now too great to ask workers to spend countless hours shovelling their way through it. We’re moving our expeditions to the north side where climbers don’t have to shit.”
Officials from the Department of Culture will helicopter into Everest Base Camp to open the new toilet in a special ceremony where they will be served pancakes and garlic soup while hundreds of onlookers who have paid $50,000 each will wonder what the hell is going on.
When asked why the government doesn’t just introduce waste management rules as authorities have on other popular mountains like Denali and Aconcagua, Bhim Bhulshitta of the Ministry of Garbage said:
“That would involve regulation. It is much easier just to make an announcement in the press. To ensure people use the new toilet we will be slashing permit fees from $10,000 to $11,000.”
It is now so easy to climb Mount Everest it is estimated around 3 million tourists reach the summit every year, many on pogo sticks.
The people of Nepal have been waiting 7 years for a new constitution. It’s not easy to see why.
Notes to editors
- You are welcome to copy-and-paste whatever you like from this article and publish it without attribution, as long as you don’t check any facts or interview anyone who’s been there.
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