BREAKING NEWS: Flushing Toilet To Be Built At Everest Base Camp

There is now so much human excrement on Mount Everest experts predict that by 2015 it will reach the Moon.

But thank heavens the government of Nepal intend to do something about it by announcing they will build a spanking new flushing toilet at Everest Base Camp.

This toilet is actually on Mount Kenya, but who cares (Picture Credit: Wankentoss New Agency)
This toilet is actually on Mount Kenya, but who cares (Picture Credit: Wankentoss New Agency)

The new lavatory will be state-of-the-art, and include a helipad, modern plumbing, carpets, and a wanking machine for government ministers. Climbers who wish to use it will be fitted with GPS tracking devices to ensure they aim straight, and special weather forecasts will increase safety. Police and Army will be stationed at Base Camp to ensure climbers crap in the right place, and a brass band will serenade occupants to improve harmony between Sherpas and westerners.

“Thousands of people climb Everest every year, and it’s come to our attention many have been defecating up there,” said Ang Shitting Sherpa of the Nepal Manure Association. “From this year onwards we will be introducing a new rule. All climbers will be required to bring down 80kg of human waste from the high camps, or risk losing their deposit.”

It is unclear whether climbers only have to carry 80kg of their own shit, or whether it includes other people’s.

There was a media stampede when the announcement was made at a special press conference on Tuesday. “This is fantastic, a story about Everest and bodily functions,” said Piers McPenis of the Daily Moron. “The public need to know about these things. I was so excited I nearly shat myself.”

The move follows a fatal accident last year, when two climbers who had never worn crampons before drowned in a pool of urine and had to be dragged out by Sherpas. Many people thought this was outrageous.

Meanwhile a special team of Sherpas known as Icefall Doctors are already at Everest Base Camp trying to find a new route through the mountains of human sewage which cause unpleasant smells every year.

Not everyone is convinced the new toilet is a good idea, and some operators believe there is now so much human excrement it is no longer ethical to climb Mount Everest from the south side.

Alec Bollinger of the mountaineering company Alpenstock said:

“The danger from collapsing manure is now too great to ask workers to spend countless hours shovelling their way through it. We’re moving our expeditions to the north side where climbers don’t have to shit.”

This is actually Everest Base Camp on the north side, but who cares (Picture Credit: ARSE)
This is actually Everest Base Camp on the north side, but who cares (Picture Credit: ARSE)

Officials from the Department of Culture will helicopter into Everest Base Camp to open the new toilet in a special ceremony where they will be served pancakes and garlic soup while hundreds of onlookers who have paid $50,000 each will wonder what the hell is going on.

When asked why the government doesn’t just introduce waste management rules as authorities have on other popular mountains like Denali and Aconcagua, Bhim Bhulshitta of the Ministry of Garbage said:

“That would involve regulation. It is much easier just to make an announcement in the press. To ensure people use the new toilet we will be slashing permit fees from $10,000 to $11,000.”

It is now so easy to climb Mount Everest it is estimated around 3 million tourists reach the summit every year, many on pogo sticks.

The people of Nepal have been waiting 7 years for a new constitution. It’s not easy to see why.

Notes to editors

  • You are welcome to copy-and-paste whatever you like from this article and publish it without attribution, as long as you don’t check any facts or interview anyone who’s been there.

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16 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: Flushing Toilet To Be Built At Everest Base Camp

  • March 3, 2015 at 9:25 pm
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    Does the new permit include air freshener? What about sanitary hand wipes?

  • March 3, 2015 at 9:26 pm
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    I laughed so hard at this! Goes along with the humor I find in your books…

  • March 4, 2015 at 12:46 am
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    That is the worst piece you have ever written,it is just awful,and not at least funny,although maybe British humour at its best,but for the followers of your normally well informed blog,I think it is very poor,and yes I get it, that it is a skit,but it does not suit you to write like this,sorry,I just did not like it.

  • March 4, 2015 at 12:59 am
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    Mark, that is possibly the funniest thing I will read this entire year! Very clever! I think you managed to skewer every sacred cow while only using just one page. I can see a future for you as a writer for Monty Python when they make their long awaited comeback. Great work.

    Martina – lighten up!!

  • March 4, 2015 at 11:55 am
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    That is fascinating but you do not mention the number of sacred bulls employed purely for their ability to emit large amounts of manure.

  • March 4, 2015 at 1:29 pm
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    Robert calls me a “Belgian shit-stirrer”. So I guess I’m kind of a specialist and acknowledge your expersize in this matter! Good job.

  • March 4, 2015 at 7:52 pm
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    Good thing you climbed Everest from the north side where you didn’t have to shit. 😉
    But I wonder how you survived base camp last year where the shit is piled ever higher (by the media).

    Nice post, it really cracked me up. I needed that after reading the shitty news all over the German media as well.

  • March 4, 2015 at 11:29 pm
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    Robert Kay,your funny bone is easily tickled my friend,as for writing for Monty Python,oh please, now that will make anyone laugh,so please do not make a fool of your mouth,Mark my dear,I love your blogg and have learned so much about mountains,climbing,ect ect,as for the Washington Post,you must be joking,I would not have it in the toilet to read,not even on a mountain if it was the last paper on earth,I just got your new post and look forward to reading it as always,so lets not bicker darlings,

  • March 5, 2015 at 7:00 am
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    Hi Martina,

    No offence taken. The worst post I have written? Why, thank you, that was precisely the point. You paid me a great compliment. 🙂

    Regards
    Mark

  • March 6, 2015 at 12:22 am
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    Hi Mark
    Well thank God for that,I would not like us to fall out,anyway,I get what your saying all the time ,and love to see who,and what your going to write about Everest,I love her as much as you do,so happy writing,and keep us all informed as much as you can,and thank you for taking the time to do so,am so glad you are not offended,(Phew)I can sleep easy tonight so,

  • March 7, 2015 at 12:55 pm
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    Maybe we should start a discussion on “Who is more corrupt, inapt at portraying reality and stupid: The Nepalese government or the media (in general, not Nepal)?” In my country, belgium, they are so far away from reality that I don#t even know if they (politicians and media) are still inhabitting the same planet as I do…

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